i jhust puked up my retainher.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
