No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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