Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
