I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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