I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
