Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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