Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Come on in and take your pants off
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