Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
