I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
