Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
