I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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