Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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