Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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