I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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