if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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