Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
