I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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