you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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