Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
