the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
