I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
