I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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