we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
