Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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