My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
