2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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