I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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