Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I want to be your penis for a week.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
