its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This gyro tastes like lonliness
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
