the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
