Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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