boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
