I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Your dad touched me again.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
