is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
