i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
