TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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