I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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