Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
