everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
