i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
