Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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