the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
