Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
