I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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