Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
