Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
