I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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