i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
