Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
