someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
