mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
