come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
