Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
