Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
