I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
