people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
