No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
