He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
