Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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