our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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