I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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