I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think my moral compass just broke
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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