I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
