My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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