I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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