All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i came on her dog
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize