im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
