She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize