y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize